so this seems like a good place to be whiny and cranky
without looking like i'm just trying to get attention...
"sick and tired of being sick and tired"
i have reached a point where i have forgotten what it
is like to not feel pain of some sort. carpal tunnel,
cramps, headaches, nausea, fatigue, hip pain... all of
which compound the already decidedly dark moods.
the good news is that i have an answer to what may be
causing all this blah-ness. the bad news is that it
will likely result in surgery. all the while, i am
still trying to manage my weight.
on the other hand , i had a great time at frolicon.
i even used the stairs many times with relative ease.
on the other other hand, my good time away makes me
wonder if my mom might not be right in guessing that
something at work might cause the headaches, eg. the
fluorescent lighting, the computers, etc.
on the other other other hand (which would be cool),
i read my taxes wrong, and i'm paying this year. fuck.
/whinge for now.
without looking like i'm just trying to get attention...
"sick and tired of being sick and tired"
i have reached a point where i have forgotten what it
is like to not feel pain of some sort. carpal tunnel,
cramps, headaches, nausea, fatigue, hip pain... all of
which compound the already decidedly dark moods.
the good news is that i have an answer to what may be
causing all this blah-ness. the bad news is that it
will likely result in surgery. all the while, i am
still trying to manage my weight.
on the other hand , i had a great time at frolicon.
i even used the stairs many times with relative ease.
on the other other hand, my good time away makes me
wonder if my mom might not be right in guessing that
something at work might cause the headaches, eg. the
fluorescent lighting, the computers, etc.
on the other other other hand (which would be cool),
i read my taxes wrong, and i'm paying this year. fuck.
/whinge for now.
and now i feel headachy and vomity... again...
the tears are always right behind my eyes.
started to cry again last night thinking about
this silly santa hat i gave her this past weekend.
it has leopard trim and a tiara on the front...
only she didn't even make it to thanksgiving.
so when mom called today to wish me a good day,
she said all the things she was thankful for, and i
kind of parroted them back to her, but i felt like
both of us were just saying it to make the other
feel a little less like falling apart.
but now i feel like falling apart all over again.
my sister died. my little sister. she's gone and
i'll never see her again. it's like a hole
got punched through my heart, right next to the
one that hit me when my dad died.
i don't mind being alone right now. there will be
more than enough people around me soon enough, all
saying how sorry they are and how beautiful she was
and how much better she is and how lucky the rest of
us are to have each other. ok. got it. do i want a
hug? only kinda. really... only from her. just one more.
the tears are always right behind my eyes.
started to cry again last night thinking about
this silly santa hat i gave her this past weekend.
it has leopard trim and a tiara on the front...
only she didn't even make it to thanksgiving.
so when mom called today to wish me a good day,
she said all the things she was thankful for, and i
kind of parroted them back to her, but i felt like
both of us were just saying it to make the other
feel a little less like falling apart.
but now i feel like falling apart all over again.
my sister died. my little sister. she's gone and
i'll never see her again. it's like a hole
got punched through my heart, right next to the
one that hit me when my dad died.
i don't mind being alone right now. there will be
more than enough people around me soon enough, all
saying how sorry they are and how beautiful she was
and how much better she is and how lucky the rest of
us are to have each other. ok. got it. do i want a
hug? only kinda. really... only from her. just one more.
reposting here from a comment of a friend's fb page,
bc it felt good to "say it out loud"...
last night i was up til around 2am, bc i had learned some simple crochet. i mention this as half my want to learn this hobby was to make something for my sister. she's stage 4 and going thru chemo, as she has been for several years now. i want to make her a scarf or wrap or lap blanket, something to keep her warm. every loop i made so far, i (this sounds so precious) feel like i've imbued with a hug. i want to make something to hug her when i'm not there to do it myself. sentimental glurge, it may be, but it's true.
bc it felt good to "say it out loud"...
last night i was up til around 2am, bc i had learned some simple crochet. i mention this as half my want to learn this hobby was to make something for my sister. she's stage 4 and going thru chemo, as she has been for several years now. i want to make her a scarf or wrap or lap blanket, something to keep her warm. every loop i made so far, i (this sounds so precious) feel like i've imbued with a hug. i want to make something to hug her when i'm not there to do it myself. sentimental glurge, it may be, but it's true.
decided on a name for my car.
ataraxia
the pleasure that comes from a mind at rest.
ever since i got this vehicle, i get tickled at the sound of
the security chime. the seat is comfortable. the chamber is
roomy but cozy. every sound it makes, from the engine to the
closing of the door, seems hushed. the feel of the drive is
smooth, like gliding.
i looked up 'serenity' in the thesaurus. i found 'ataraxia'.
ataraxia
the pleasure that comes from a mind at rest.
ever since i got this vehicle, i get tickled at the sound of
the security chime. the seat is comfortable. the chamber is
roomy but cozy. every sound it makes, from the engine to the
closing of the door, seems hushed. the feel of the drive is
smooth, like gliding.
i looked up 'serenity' in the thesaurus. i found 'ataraxia'.
this is my "poor me" post. feel free to skip it.
weight issues. edema that doesn't seem to want to respond to
the usual therapies. aches and pains related to same.
all combining into a fugue of sorts -- anger, sadness, frustration,
depression, anxiety...
a need for contact but a want of distance.
last night's restless sleep is both a cause and symptom of my mood.
my passions long for release, but the corridors and hallways leading
to their doors seems to go on for leagues...
gonna go back now to stare into space for a little while.
weight issues. edema that doesn't seem to want to respond to
the usual therapies. aches and pains related to same.
all combining into a fugue of sorts -- anger, sadness, frustration,
depression, anxiety...
a need for contact but a want of distance.
last night's restless sleep is both a cause and symptom of my mood.
my passions long for release, but the corridors and hallways leading
to their doors seems to go on for leagues...
gonna go back now to stare into space for a little while.
thanks, 
jackbabalon23
You were born during a Waning Gibbous moon
This phase occurs right after a full moon.
- what it says about you -
You love to let people in on the story of how things come together. You know the background of ideas and have a deep understanding of things others just touch the surface of. You can surprise people with your wide variety of knowledge, and they'll remember and appreciate you for it.
What phase was the moon at on your birthday? Find out at Spacefem.com
jackbabalon23 You were born during a Waning Gibbous moon
This phase occurs right after a full moon.
- what it says about you -
You love to let people in on the story of how things come together. You know the background of ideas and have a deep understanding of things others just touch the surface of. You can surprise people with your wide variety of knowledge, and they'll remember and appreciate you for it.
What phase was the moon at on your birthday? Find out at Spacefem.com
let's just call this a rebuilding year.
2008 sucked harder than any year i have ever had.
lost my dad.
lost my job.
spent 2009 trying to not fall apart.
spent most of 2010 trying to pull it together.
2 years ago this month, my dad died.
today, while looking for a poem i had asked after,
mom found a letter he had written to me when i went
to college in huntsville. that letter answered all
the questions i had been asking myself lately.
got a job. a good one.
no big deal for my birthday this year.
no big deal for hallowe'en this year.
i guess i've quit looking forward to any particular day,
and started looking at the adventures of any day.
2008 sucked harder than any year i have ever had.
lost my dad.
lost my job.
spent 2009 trying to not fall apart.
spent most of 2010 trying to pull it together.
2 years ago this month, my dad died.
today, while looking for a poem i had asked after,
mom found a letter he had written to me when i went
to college in huntsville. that letter answered all
the questions i had been asking myself lately.
got a job. a good one.
no big deal for my birthday this year.
no big deal for hallowe'en this year.
i guess i've quit looking forward to any particular day,
and started looking at the adventures of any day.
i need a new ankh. this one is full.
